Why are there so many BDSM myths? As is true with most things, it’s easy to have a warped perception of that which is foreign to us – especially when that foreign thing employs all kinds of “taboo” practices, props, and principles. Thus, BDSM myths beome the common knowledge. While BDSM is not for everyone, taking the time and effort to assess the individual biases and cultural messaging we (oftentimes subconsciously) draw upon can be an enlightening and rewarding process in understanding ourselves and those around us. In a time where polarization reigns supreme, choosing to be a curious and accepting person is an act of radical bravery.
As someone who once knew nothing about this alternative lifestyle, and someone who now has a career centered around helping others to navigate it safely and successfully, I will attempt to bridge the chasm of misinformation which has lent itself so fully to the stigmatization of shame, intolerance, and even fear.
Myth Number One:
“Fifty Shades of Grey is an accurate portrayal of BDSM.”
For a large majority of the population, novel-turned-franchise Fifty Shades of Grey was the first understanding of (what seemed to be) BDSM in mainstream culture. The only problem? Fifty Shades of Grey completely disregards the structure of safety, mutual gratification, emotional maturity, and interpersonal skills which are all imperative and non-negotiable within the community. While Fifty Shades of Grey might share certain commonalities with BDSM, its monopoly on popular culture as THE BDSM text/movie was nothing short of harmful to a community which places great value on intention, communication, and respect. This article in The Atlantic breaks down some of these BDSM myths and concepts in more detail.
Myth Number Two:
“BDSM is one thing.”
The acronym BDSM encapsulates bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. Each one of those words has a diversity of meanings, dynamics, and principles attached to it as well. This is to say that BDSM is a complex and varying lifestyle/preference which manifests differently for each individual and each relationship. While this is the overarching term used to refer to the very general idea, there are countless manifestations within it.
BDSM Myth Number Three:
“BDSM is only about sex.”
While it’s not surprising that this is a commonly held belief by those who are not members of the community, it is absolutely not true. For many who partake in this lifestyle, the importance lives in the unseen – exchanges of power, explorations in vulnerability, exhibitions of trust. Sex is merely one of countless iterations of those concepts, and diminishing the complex and rich realm of BDSM to sex and sex alone isn’t accurate.
Myth Number Four:
“BDSM is abuse.”
Just as I stated in Myth Number One, the community is rooted in consistent communication and continual consent. While abuse does occur within the community, – just as abuse occurs in nearly all communities – it has everything to do with the abuser (and a verifiable lack of consent and communication by the abuser) and nothing to do with BDSM itself. If members of the community follow the doctrines of safety above all else, the power dynamics, the presence of pain, and the role of violence is deliberate and agreed upon – and therefore markedly not abuse. If members disregard the doctrines of safety, BDSM can absolutely be manipulated into an abusive modality, as is true of all other institutions and communities.
BDSM Myth Number Five:
“Everyone in the BDSM community has mental/emotional scars or has experienced trauma.”
Being a survivor of abuse is not a prerequisite for admission into some “BDSM club.” Are some individuals in the community survivors of trauma and abuse? Absolutely! Do some members have psychiatric diagnoses or continuing struggles surrounding their mental wellbeing? Of course they do. Just as is true of any community, there are members who have navigated abusive environments, situations, and people. There are also people within the community who have not. The notion that finding pleasure in being tied up or gagged – or conversely, finding pleasure in exacting punishment – means something is inherently wrong with you is an elementary one.
Does it make sense why certain people would assume those partaking in this lifestyle are emotionally damaged in some way? Yes, especially if themes of sadism and masochism seem outlandish and/or fear-inducing to you. Human attempts to make sense of behaviors or decisions they may not understand often results in an impulsive attempt to grasp onto assumptions and stereotypes as a way to identify some semblance of reason. For some, accepting that certain people simply enjoy playing out intense power dynamics in intimate settings can be too hard of a pill to swallow. But an acknowledgement that everyone’s preferences, needs, and desires can differ drastically eliminates the need to place those you do not relate to within a singular box.
Admittedly, there are TONS more myths and stereotypes about BDSM and I’ve barely scratched the surface here. Here is another article I recommend on the topic. That said, my hope is that anyone who reads this, whether or not you’re considering getting your kink on, will approach any information about alternative lifestyles with an open heart and open mind. If you are considering exploring, my job is to help from a therapeutic sense. Contact me to schedule an appointment