As is true with interpersonal relationships of any classification, communication is the initial structure from which we must build. Without a basis of understanding and transparency between partners, relationships can quickly transform into breeding grounds for omission, assumption, and resentment. As the terms and conditions of a relationship shift and evolve, so does the requirement for open discussion. But how do we make the jump from communication as a buzzword to communication as a practice, ingrained in our relationships and behaviors?
When it comes to Ethical Non-Monogamy, or ENM1, there is one specific method of communication which is wildly effective (and absolutely necessary) in promoting trust and safety: negotiation. To establish negotiation2, however, we must address the preconceptions and (potentially negative) connotations we have gathered, either individually or as a society, prior to the present moment. Perhaps negotiation sounds transactional and overtly corporate to you. Perhaps there is a part of you that views a negotiation as an inevitable loss of something you want or need at the gain of someone else. Letting go of those associations clears the space for organic curiosity about your partner(s)’ perspective, and how it may coincide or differ from your own.
Negotiation is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as “a formal discussion between people who are trying to reach an agreement.” Returning to this simple explanation can help us to re-center the desired result: to reach an agreement. If communication is “the activity or process of expressing ideas and feelings or of giving people information,” then negotiation is the logical next step towards solution, exempt from concepts like ‘losing’ and ‘winning’ and into a realm of mutual responsibility and mutual respect. Negotiation’s clear and straightforward mission is imperative in ethical non-monogamous and open relationships, as it provides a system or process by which to proceed. Those who have not navigated ENM or have their own biases towards this lifestyle may write-off the entire dynamic as chaotic, messy, or even immature. But the greater truth is that navigating ENM substantiates a heightened maturity and self-awareness, a dynamic sense of emotional intelligence, and a deep capacity for empathy. I discuss the importance of reaching out to a professional for assistance if you are at the onset of your ENM journey (or in a relationship you’d like to open which has historically been closed) in my blog What is Polyamory? (Hint, It’s NOT Swinging!).
In conclusion, addressing your own preconceived notions, being willing to share your internal experience, listening actively and thoughtfully to the experiences and perceptions that are not your own, and respecting the boundaries of your partner(s) are all pillars in the greater construction of productive communication – even for the most “vanilla” among us. Negotiation is a powerful device to delineate the margins of your relationship in a way that serves and protects all involved, and finding someone to teach the concepts of a deepening and expanding relationship is a beautiful way to invest in the health and quality of your partnership.
Footnotes
- Most recently the more appropriate terms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM), or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) are used. In an attempt to keep things simple, I’ll use the terms “open” and “ethical non-monogamy” (ENM) interchangeably.
- Communication and negotiation are not the only elements which must be employed to establish security, safety, and sustainability in BDSM. Consent must underpin all discussions, interactions, and decisions, or else you run the risk of sacrificing the ‘ethical’ element which exists to preserve the emotional and physical well-being of all parties.