At its root, the word “polyamory” is derived from poly (many) and amor (love), as in many loves. It has been used as an umbrella term to describe any type of open relationship. Most recently the more appropriate terms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM), or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) are used. In an attempt to keep things simple, I’ll use the terms “open” and “ethical non-monogamy” (ENM) interchangeably. Depending on one’s preferences/needs/desires, ENM can look many different ways but, the one commonality between them is CONSENT. Without consent, transparency, negotiation, and open and honest communication, non-monogamy is no longer ethical. But is instead an egregious boundary violation. Let’s avoid that, shall we? But, I’ll get into all that later.
In my experience, the more typical ways to practice ENM are Swinging, “monogamish,” polyfidelity, and hierarchical polyamory. I’ll talk about these first. However, in her book Polysecure, Jessica Fern does a brilliant job parsing out all the different types of ENM. I recommend this book to pretty much everyone who comes to me with an interest in opening their relationship.
- Swinging – This is probably the most popular term known by the general public and as such, is often used as a blanket term for ENM. This is the practice when couples have sex with others, often in a group setting, where there are other couples or individuals. Though, it is important to note that it can take the form of anything from a couple incorporating a “third,” male or female, another couple, or in groups of all of the above. Swinging is primarily sexual and the couple will have little to no emotional investment with the people they play with, and are together in the same room or event.
- Monogamish – “Coined by sex columnist Dan Savage, the term refers to couples who are mostly sexually and emotionally exclusive, but periodically engage in extramarital or extra-relational sex or sexual play. These exceptions might include occasional one-time hookups, sex with others while traveling apart, or even kissing other people at certain types of events” (Fern, p. 111).
- Polyfidelity – A romantic and/or sexual relationship that involves three or more people and are exclusive with each other. This can look like three or more people that are interactive with each other but, closed to outside relationships. Or, it can be a person who has more than one partner but, those partners aren’t romantically/sexually interactive, yet are also closed to any additional relationships.
- Polyamory – The practice of having several relationships where everyone is aware and consents to partners having multiple romantic and sexual relationships. The idea of falling in love is the primary focus. The tenant in polyamory is that a person shouldn’t be beholden to meet all of the needs of one person. That it is unreasonable to expect just one person to meet all of their needs. Furthermore, it is more than just possible, but probable, to be in love with more than one person.
- Hierarchical Polyamory – A subset of polyamory where there is a ranking system among relationships and certain relationships are considered to have more importance than others. Typically, the primary relationship is between a couple that cohabitates and tends to set the rules for subsequent relationships. These rules involve time constraints, parameters around social and recreational activities, limits on sex acts, veto rights, etc, etc, etc. In this situation, the terms primary, secondary, and tertiary are used.
Remember, these definitions are pretty rudimentary. There are exceptions to just about every rule except with the concepts of ethics and consent.
I have been asked numerous times about how to go about opening a relationship. Especially when one partner is not really open to the possibility (that’s a subject for another blog). The things that I stress, ad nauseam, is open, clear, and honest communication and negotiation. As well as transparency in all feelings and emotions, and consent, consent, CONSENT! It is really best to seek someone out with experience in this area for guidance. Many couples think their communication is great! But it can be devastating to them, once they’ve stepped out of their relational comfort zone, to realize how much they actually withhold from each other.
Opening your relationship is not the best way to discover that your communication skills need work. And could potentially have a very negative impact on said relationship. Negotiation is also paramount. That word might sound cold and impersonal. However, understanding each person’s limits and boundaries, as well as needs and desires, is wildly important to navigate the world of ENM safely (both physically and emotionally). I hope you have found this writing helpful. I’ll be writing more about Ethical Non-monogamy later. I’ll also be writing about BDSM/Kink, as well as Out of Control Sexual Behavior. Lastly, I would like to reiterate that the book Polysecure by Jessica Fern is an excellent resource when wanting to open up a relationship, as well as Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.